I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
