this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
