i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
