My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
50% drunk capacity currently
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You were trust falling into bushes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
