he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
