final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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