My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
