i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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