i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
