everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
