My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
