please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This is the high leading the old right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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