Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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