Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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