the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
