Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
