she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
