I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
