Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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