I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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