I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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