Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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