I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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