If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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