oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
