So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
