paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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