I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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