He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
