Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
