I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
