I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
