perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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