so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
