Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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