White coat. Heels.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
