Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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