i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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