a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who died my cat blue again?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
