I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
