Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
