oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
