You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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