i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
PANTIES FOUND
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
