i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
