Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
