This girl is more easily done than said...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
COCAINE IS GR8
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