I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
