8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
