when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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