My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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